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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

I’m in a place right now that is filled with anger, doubt, and sadness. If I am being really honest then I would say most of these negative feelings are directed towards the people who are (or rather aren’t) in my life. I feel let down. I feel lonely. My thoughts keep shifting towards moving back home, even though I didn’t think I would ever feel that way again. This season always brings a little bit of nostalgia with it. Most of the people I have met here have revealed that our relationship isn’t more than just a fling, and I yearn for a place where I can have an authentic community. If I can’t have an authentic community then I should be around family, at least. Where I am now feels void.  I love the time of life we are in, but not the place. I am desperate for connection, for meaning, for relationships that don’t start with “Sorry, I’ve been really busy”.

For some reason this song stand out to me:

Shifting Sand
by Caedmon’s Call

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I’d be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

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They say having a baby changes your life. Oh really? passing an entire human being through my body that is 100% dependent on me for food, shelter and love will change my life? Nooooo. Tell me more, Mr. Science. Although I have to admit that there are some things I truly didn’t expect. I always thought that the way my relationships changed after baby  was solely up to me.

For one, my husband and I lead a seemingly boring life anyway. We don’t party (we can’t even be around more than 8 people at a time without being overwhelmed), we go to bed at 9, our idea of having fun is staying home watching a movie, and when we have company over we like to just sit around doing nothing but talking for 4 hours. Yeah, you don’t want to be our friends if that isn’t your thing. Most people want to wait to have kids until they are done partying and are absolutely positive they can survive without going to a movie theater, So of course we thought “we got this”.
For two, I thought that if I was aware of myself as a new mom then my friendships didn’t have to change. I have been around mothers who talk about “joining the mommy club” like they’ve just been given the gold medal, mother’s who don’t know how to have a conversation that doesn’t involve their baby somehow, and mother’s who only want to surround themselves around other mothers. To them I say, “get over yourself”. So of course I was determined to be that cool new mother who didn’t act any differently around her non-parent friends. But nobody ever told me that it would take me 5 months to feel like a normal human again (I need to eat, sleep and poop too?), that it would take 5 months for me to feel like my baby wouldn’t burn to death if he was in the sun for 10 seconds, or that driving in a car could possibly be the most stressful time of my life.

I get it. You don’t have a baby or you haven’t had a baby in your life for 20 years. You, my friend, are a well-adjusted individual. Good for you.
Here’s where relationships start changing:
-You need me to leave my baby (who is solely dependent on me for food) on a one day’s notice. Did I mention my baby needs to eat every two hours? Not happening.
-You really really want my baby to meet your friend who happens to lives “just right outside the city”. With traffic, driving time alone could be an hour. Have YOU ever been in a car where your child has to be fastened in so tightly he can’t move, the air doesn’t reach the back seat, and oh have I mentioned he has to eat every two hours? Cue meltdown so bad he can’t breathe because he is crying too hard. Not happening.
-You want to go out to eat with us and have been dying to try that new sit down restaurant down the street. Baby doesn’t fit in the highchair and just try putting that car seat or stroller next to the table. Then keep him strapped in, bored out of his mind, while the big people sit around moving their hands to their mouth every few seconds (for what seems like forever).  And then try to get that busy server’s attention for the check so you can go. Meanwhile baby is in a phase where he likes to scream just to see how you react and oh, he just pooped all over himself.  And did I mention baby has to eat every two hours? Not happening.
-You want me to hang around “just a while longer” because “so and so” is almost here, or dinner is almost ready (though you’ve said that for an hour now), or because it’s just too early to leave to be socially acceptable. Have you ever tried leaving past sun down after keeping baby out all day? And then strapped him in a car seat when bedtime is just around the corner (for both of you because God knows YOU don’t sleep) oh and did I mention baby has to eat every two hours? Not happening.
So yeah, I don’t go anywhere without my baby without 3 days notice, or drive more than 30 minutes away, or go to sit down restaurants, or stay out past 7:30.
Are my husband and I happy? More than we have been in our entire lives. They don’t call them “bundles of joy” for nothing.
So if you find yourself in a situation where your really good friend is having a baby, be gracious. Expect some things to change. And if you truly are a good friend it won’t matter to either of you if one of you is in school, has a boyfriend, and lives with your parents while the other one is married, has kids, a house, and full-time job.

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I seem to be caught in this web of thought that everyone around me is constantly thinking about my age. This is probably because it seems that everyone IS always thinking about age, especially age differences. Too often I hear the statements, “You are only <insert age here>!?” , “Wow, you are so young”, “I remember way back when I was that age”. And after any of those statements, you can go ahead and add something like “I cant believe you are already married” or “don’t worry about not having kids yet, you have time“.  This happens even when someone is only a few years older than myself. Age thought like this has always driven me nuts.

There seems to be this train of thought that everyone seems to jump on that, “Seventeen year olds are like this, and you should wait to get married until you are this old, you shouldn’t have kids until you’ve been married for 6 years and you are this old, you should go to college right out of high school, you should be a homeowner by the time you are this age, you should have a career by the time you are this age, you should retire from that career at this age, you should be a grandparent by the time you are this old, and then you will typically die at this age.”

Honestly, this feels like a LOT of pressure.

Look, we all get it. You feel old, like life is just passing you by and you have so much wisdom to bestow upon the world and if only you knew then what you know now and you can just look back at who you used to be and see how immature you were and you have gone through so much in life to get you to where you are now and blah blah blah.

Since I can remember I have had this sense of disgust when someone called me young or stuck that “stereotype stamp” on me.

But yesterday during my pastor, Jared’s message something in me changed about this. To be “young” is to be like a child complete with humility, innocence, trust, wonder, and faith. So how is that bad? Maybe instead of cringing at a statement of my youth I should respond with a “thank you”. To be like a child is how God wants us to be. I have it backwards in thinking you spend your whole life trying to grow up. Really, we should be spending our lives fighting against it. It is in being “grown up” that we become bitter and harsh and distrusting.

Next time someone calls me “young” I will look past my belief in what they really mean by it and I will take it as a compliment.

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I’m happy to have the opportunity to see how far I’ve come as a person. Whats bothered me in the past doesn’t bother me nearly as much now. To have the chance to not let someone or something ruin my day is always a challenge for me. Today I can say I’m proud of myself. I know who I am and I know the parts I am ok with and the parts I’m not. If Someone is giving me an unwarranted opinion of who they think I am, that is when the feathers appear and their words roll down my back as if they were water on a duck. They say that true “revenge” is to simply live well. And oh, how true that is. I will continue to live well as best I can. I can not say I always have known how to do this. It has taken my entire life and a countless amount of opposition to understand that the best I can do in life is let my savior mold me. To understand that it only matters what He thinks. To truly understand that I will have people out there who cant stand me and don’t understand me and who, for no reason at all, just don’t like me. It’s ok. I will continue to be honest and genuine and patient and understanding to the best of my ability and when I don’t have any left then I will ask for more. You can take it or leave it.


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