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Posts Tagged ‘healing’

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I have seen this going around the internet lately and I find it deeply troubling. I understand that this is supposed to be encouraging for people who find themselves in lost relationships. However, I don’t agree that this is the best thing for those people to hear.

“When people walk away let them”

Here’s the thing about relationships, they change. This is the nature of relationships and of life. I couldn’t name one person in my life with whom my relationship is the same as it was even a year ago including my husband, sisters and parents. There are two things that happen organically in a relationship: It moves towards intimacy or it moves away from intimacy. Most relationships don’t change because someone chooses to walk away. On the surface it may seem like someone is choosing to walk away, but digging deeper you see that isn’t the case. Think about a marriage that has just ended, it didn’t fall apart overnight. It took time and it took inward change on both parties for that marriage to get to where it is. I acknowledge that it seems there are times in which someone chooses to walk away from a relationship, but it took more than what meets the eye to produce that result.

And how easily does one give up on a relationship?

Recently I had the privilege of talking intimately with a friend of mine I have had since high school. About a year ago I started feeling some intense negative emotions regarding our friendship. This is a friend who never failed to inspire me and with whom I could have a deep meaningful conversation and have fun with. But after she took on a full time job and I moved to a different state, the little attempts I made to connect with her were met with empty responses. Finally I reached my breaking point, after multiple attempts at getting a hold of her and not hearing back I came to the conclusion that our friendship was over. I was done. Still, something in me couldn’t let go and I made one last desperate attempt to make things right. We were able to meet in person and talk things over. What I found out was that she was struggling with deep issues and she sincerely felt bad that she was emotionally disconnected. We were honest and raw and forgiving with one another. We made a plan going forward where both our love languages could be met. Since then I have seen a real effort on both parts to honor our relationship.

Not all true friendships look like that either. I can list on one hand people with whom I have true and genuine friendships but talk to maybe once a year.

My point is that any one of us could chalk that up to the other “choosing to walk away”, when it isn’t like that at all. And in the case of my one friend, we had to fight to keep our friendship alive. We had to be real and vulnerable with each other.

Simply put, “letting people walk away” seems awfully cowardly to me.

There are, of course, extenuating circumstances. I am not saying all relationships are or should be redeemable. Getting out of a relationship where you are abused in any way is always better for you and you did not do anything to deserve the abuse. I hardly think that is what this quote is referring to, but If your only source of encouragement is this quote on this snoopy comic then by all means, let it motivate you! But even then eventually, hopefully, you will be in a place of healing and you can use your past to help you move towards your future. which brings me to the second part of the quote:

“Your future is not about people who walk away, its about people who stay in for the ride”

God, I hope you don’t think this way. This is like one of those really bad pinterest motivations to get you to exercise that shows an overly muscular person and says “fit is the new skinny”, and by the way that person also happens to be skinny.

Life isn’t about forgetting what brought you to the place you are at today. Your future IS about how you were once addicted to drugs in the past, were in an abusive relationship, or used food as a way to deal with the pressures of life – because that changed you. Every day someone who struggled in the past makes choices in the present because of it. “Healing doesn’t mean that the damage never existed, it means that it no longer controls our lives.” Our choices in the present are largely affected by our experiences in the past. Our future is determined by the choices we make today.

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 How I wish all relationships were lasting! The truth is, that not every relationship was meant to last forever. We all enter each other’s lives and affect it somehow, whether it be obviously positive or not. Sometimes we meet people who hold such animosity towards us, but teach us great lessons. I have lost count of how many people I have known who have disliked me and vice-versa. These are people who have had strong personalities and made it very clear they didn’t like me. Most of the time it was a co-worker whom I had to see every day. Sometimes these people held authority over me in the workplace. At the time it was a difficult place to be in. Looking back, I can very clearly see the positive that has come from such opposition. If I chose to only consider the people who “stayed in it for the ride” I would be missing out on some great life lessons.

Sometimes we get so caught up in “surviving” that we forget to acknowledge the role we played in the situation. How easy it is for us to agree with “feel-good” quotes. The internet has created a mass audience that will eat anything up if it seems pretty enough or makes you feel good. Anything could be written in curly cursive and placed on a nice picture of a sunrise. Imagine if someone posted this on the internet:

feelgood

We wouldn’t like that, would we? But sometimes that is the truth.

It would be brave to question why a relationship fell apart. It would be brave to acknowledge your role in it. And it would be braver still, to do what you could to mend the broken relationship.

Being brave is hard. Taking the cowardly route is easy. What would you choose.

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The danger of worry.

My mom said something to me the other day that spoke power into my life. I was sharing my health worries with her.
I have a lot of worries. I realized that there is always something that is plaguing my mind, there is always a disaster about to happen or a disease I think I have. In this case I was worried about my pregnancy. (yes! I haven’t shared it yet, but I am 4 months pregnant).
Something was going on and I wasn’t sure if it was normal or not. I was so overly stressed and anxious about it, to the point where I was probably creating a real problem. So I was sharing this particular worry with her and she all of a sudden loudly proclaims that this baby is fine, I am fine, and in Jesus name Satan begone! I wouldn’t call my mom a prophet or a healer, but I think in this moment she was both. God was speaking right through her to me. Tears starting flowing and I immediately felt fine. A rush of peace swept over me and I could feel my burden being lifted. Since then I have had worries, but the stress and heaviness of the worries haven’t been the same. I’m trying to remember that I am not in control, and I need to trust that God is there in all His sovereignty. Worry will only create problems and place my focus in the wrong direction.
Although, I still find it difficult to know when to go to the doctor. After all, just about every symptom points to either gas or cancer.

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I am not a perfectionist. I have a high tolerance for messes, when I try something new I don’t follow the instructions thoroughly, and when I do cook, I don’t like to make sure the measuring cup is exactly even and measured. I can’t stand watching people in distress over spilled milk, a pile of laundry, or something not being lined up perfectly. Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling after the clothes are folded and put away and when the kitchen counters are free of clutter and dirt, and I don’t find it easy to relax when when there is a lot of clutter in front of me.

I have aways been reprimanded at my job for working with dirty counters and for spilling whatever it is that I am working worth. At first this response shocked me because I love to organize and I do love the feeling of everything clean and put in it’s place. I have been processing this for years (really!), all the while finding it irritating when a co-worker would comment on the “mess” in front of me (especially when they wouldn’t give me time to clean it up and would just do it for me).

Here is my conclusion… I am A-OK operating around a mess until I have time to take care of it. And I really love organizing and putting things in their place. When I am done doing all that, I can sit back and relax and enjoy the reward of my hard work. I appreciate the process.

Compare this to the healing in our lives. Healing isn’t all rainbows and roses. It hurts. Healing brings up the dirt and the grime that we have let build up while our issues are sitting on the shelf collecting dust. And healing doesn’t happen right away. Sometimes, we have to even work around our issues while we live our lives because we are dealing with another one. And this is all OK. Even though the spilled milk will rot if it isn’t taken care of, the dishes that need to be put away are going to be just fine until I can get around to it. The anger I have in my life will hurt those around me, but my sensory defensiveness will be ok until due time.

Healing is a process. We might have to work on one thing at a time, little by little, we might cry, we might be completely confused. That’s just how healing works. When we think we have it all under wraps, we might just be done with only a piece of it for now.

We should rejoice when we have small revelations, when we figure out a method for dealing with something in our lives, when we are able to talk things out with a friend or counselor, or when we are finally able to forgive someone for hurting us.

The process is beautiful.

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Fall is a time of changing leaves, the weather gets colder,nature is preparing for the bitter winter ahead. What we don’t often think about is that the beauty of the changing leaves is actually a tree preparing to go into hibernation, the leaves die and fall off, and the roots dig deep into the soil where it’s warm. This is the season of life Micah and I had entered. On the surface everything was dying. But our roots were finding a peace that was a refreshing shelter from the bitter cold. Our apartment was beyond dreadful. Not only was it quickly eating up our savings but it was overrun with mold and incredibly loud neighbors. We also started church hunting. We realized that the time in our current church wasn’t producing any fruit in us, we weren’t excited about going and just about never did, when we did go we would leave before the message started. But I was hungry. I needed to be filled. So the hunt began. During the week Micah was hunting for jobs, on the weekends we hunted for churches. I didn’t see then how this was truly our old life ending and a new one beginning. Everything was starting over. Searching is an interesting phenomenon. We had an idea of what we wanted to find but we had only switched churches once in our adult life which happened right after high school ended. One church specifically began true healing in our lives. It was a simple message, a guest speaker was giving his testimony. Which is just a really big word for his life up until that point. It shook us up. Afterwords there was a call to go to the front to receive healing. this isn’t something we were used to in church, it was something we only ever saw on those crazy evangelical tv shows. Micah rose from his seat and walked forward…

2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

 

 

read more Budget Worthy episodes here:

Budget Worthy. Episode 2

Budget Worthy. Episode 1

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