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Posts Tagged ‘doubt’

I’m in a place right now that is filled with anger, doubt, and sadness. If I am being really honest then I would say most of these negative feelings are directed towards the people who are (or rather aren’t) in my life. I feel let down. I feel lonely. My thoughts keep shifting towards moving back home, even though I didn’t think I would ever feel that way again. This season always brings a little bit of nostalgia with it. Most of the people I have met here have revealed that our relationship isn’t more than just a fling, and I yearn for a place where I can have an authentic community. If I can’t have an authentic community then I should be around family, at least. Where I am now feels void.  I love the time of life we are in, but not the place. I am desperate for connection, for meaning, for relationships that don’t start with “Sorry, I’ve been really busy”.

For some reason this song stand out to me:

Shifting Sand
by Caedmon’s Call

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I’d be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

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Trusting someone is a hard thing to do. Trust requires that even when we see no possible way, we choose to believe. Trust requires faith. It seems that I’ll never fully understand trust or how to do it. When put in front of troubling circumstances, I fight doubt. Of course, this is human and without doubt trust would be meaningless. Even when I look back and I see all the miracles and blessings and impossible situations that God was faithful through, my doubt doesn’t fully wash away. Yet why would I believe that those situations were any different than now? Why would I think that God all of a sudden will forsake me? It is when I find myself in these times that I have no choice but to say to God, “I don’t know how to trust you, but I choose to do it. My trust isn’t perfect or complete, but today I am choosing to trust in you.” It seems to be no coincidence that it isn’t until the last minute that the picture starts to be revealed. It’s as if God waits until the last minute so that I have all the time I need to come to Him.

If I can take you back to just a couple of months ago…

Micah was feeling pressure to look for a house. I could have waited a little longer, however mostly from fear of repeating the same mistakes we made so many years ago. But he insisted that this is the right time. Our discussions went back and forth like this until one day something pulled me in the direction of the mall. And it wasn’t my need to shop. I believe there are no coincidences and we stopped in. We happened to run into some friends we knew from church (who lived pretty far in the other direction), friends that happened to be in real estate. This kicked off the search. We found a house we loved and put a bid on it, eventually winning the bid. We signed all the necessary documents and gave them our hard earned money. Our family and friends started celebrating with us as we took this pretty big step in our lives. But low and behold, our home inspection came back and yielded devastating news. The house was structurally and functionally in shambles. Our minds circled around what this meant, mostly financially of course. And for about a day we felt crushed. What is wrong with us that this would be happening again. Have we really strayed from Gods direction again? But the next day we both woke up with this strange peace. I remember saying to God that I know everything is going to be ok, and even with all this money lost that we are not in a devastating position. It sucks, yes, but we are not devastated by it. Good news came later that day, we were told we would get our money back which at first we were told would be impossible and we were told we could stay in our apartment which we already signed away. We lost essentially nothing in the process and gained a whirlwind of wisdom and experience. We had been given a miracle.

The search continued and it wasn’t long until we found another house. This one was brand new, completely upgraded, and not more money than the other house. We were over flowing with gratitude that once again God protected us. We did have much fear surrounding the information we had learned about in the process before, however. Our apartment wouldn’t let us break the lease until someone else rented it. We were allowed to move out, with a small fee, but as far as paying the rent every month we were still contractually obligated to do so until someone else took it over. We were not allowed to sub-lease and were pretty much stuck in the contract. This fear weighed heavily on us as there was no way that with me on bed rest and my pay reduced we could afford a mortgage and rent. Fast forward to this week.

Sunday: my prayer to God, “I don’t know how to trust you, but I choose to do it. My trust isn’t perfect or complete, but today I am choosing to trust in you.”

Monday: my conversation with my friend brought us to this topic. I told her how stressed I was about it, how time was almost up and instead of apartments getting rented, my complex keeps adding more to the list and the bigger ones were even cheaper than mine. I told her that I was just waiting until I felt the time was right to talk to the apartment manager and plea for any possible way out, and that I was trying so hard to remember Gods goodness and trust in him. As we were talking some people walked by that were looking at the apartments and my friend looked at me and said, “this is it ash, maybe these are the people that are going to rent your apt. These are the people!” Of course I looked at her like she was nuts.

Tuesday: despite being home in bed all day (thank you bed rest) I failed to hear the door knock. There was a UPS sticker left on my door which meant I had to go to the office to pick up the package. A surge of motivation swept through me and when Micah got home we left to go to the office, planning on getting on our hands and knees to beg them for something they could do. Up until this point I had literally been checking their website every day to see our apt. number crossed off the list, but to no avail. When we asked about talking to someone about our apartment we were told that there was no need to and that it indeed had been rented. Want to know when it was rented? Yesterday. Praise God! We about hugged that poor lady.

It was all up until the last minute, up until the moment I chose to trust God. Yet He never left my side. He simply waited for me to learn my lesson.

And it sure is a good feeling.

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