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Posts Tagged ‘death’

6 months later.

peppy

6 months today. It has been 6 months since Peppy has been gone. I know some people may think 6 months is enough time with a pet, but for me the pain is still fresh. The last few days have been sad. She has been on my mind. But today. Today I found her brush. With her fur still in it. the second I touched her fur I started sobbing. I forced myself to go through it, to feel the pain, to keep grieving. Looking at her pictures and I lost it even more. She was a part of my life for half of the time I have been alive. She saw me through so much pain. She always felt human to me, she seemed to know when I was hurting. Right now if she were here she would be cuddling me, pushing her tiny head through my hands, as I sit here and bawl like a baby. Her last year on earth was tough for her with the new addition of the baby. She was old and tired and was impatient with his movements. How? How do you deal with that? Not to value one life over the other, that seems so wrong. But in reality my son took precedence. That is the way it should be. However 15 years as the princess, the baby, the dog who was more human than canine, means she couldn’t deal with it. My recent feelings have been ones of guilt. My head knows the truth, but my heart is torn. If only I could have pushed a little further to when days with my son became more routine, a little more breathable. There were so many reasons that made the timing feel right, and I think of my dad’s words from back then to never question the decision and to never regret. My heart doesn’t feel the same way my head does. Not tonight as I sit here and cry, touching her fur, seeing her big brown eyes in my pictures. She was everything. everything to me. I can’t think of one comforting thought. I yearn for the days that she was happily by our side. I wish there could have been more with her and my son as a family.

 

We did look at dogs the other day. Just to feel it out. I could barely make it through without tears. Seeing the joy that the dogs brought my son gave me mixed feelings, but it definitely took away the immediate grief.

 

 

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her favorite place

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peppy

our family picture for Easter 2010

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peppy

 

her other favorite place- the sun

peppy

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asphotopeppy1

Peppy came to us when she was one. She was golden brown and was called biscuit. Our dog of 6 years had just tragically died and she was in a bad home. At first, I resented her. I missed my dog that had just died and I wasn’t ready for another one. But that special “peppy” spunk stole my heart quickly. When I was going through some rough times feeling deserted and alone, peppy was there. Shortly after I moved out, my mother surprised me with the gift of keeping peppy all to my own. She loved taking night time walks and cuddling in my legs at bedtime. Her floppy ears and small frame drew others to her, but she hated everyone else. We loved Peppy’s distinct personality. She had always been a princess. When she felt sick I would stay up with her all night holding her in my arms. When she got out I would spend hours upon hours trying to catch her, this happened way too often. She was my baby. Peppy moved with us across country two times;  from Illinois to Florida, from Florida to Texas. She always had her home with me and soon after that my husband too and at different times in her life she lived with both my parents, my sisters, my in-laws, my best friend Rachael, my best friend Jamie, a snake, a lizard, two birds, A pitbull named Bridget, A collie named Maggie, a golden retriever named Toby, a dog named Panda, and for a very brief time a cat named Tucker. For 14 years Peppy was a staple in my life, the one thing that never changed, that never stopped loving me, that never left my side. She cuddled close when I was sick, crying, or on bed rest. Her sensitivity to my emotions was uncanny. If I were to describe peppy in three words it would be stubborn, sensitive, and of course peppy! She never lost that “pep” to her step, even in her old age her mobility never deteriorated. She had a “paw-ful” of people she loved dearly. She was definitely choosey when it came to whom she liked. When I was pregnant peppy would sniff my belly and when we brought our son home for the first time she sniffed him and laid next to him. Until he was mobile, Peppy acted like a nanny to him, watching him if I stepped away and laying at his side.  She was growing old in age and her health started to deteriorate little bits at a time. At the end, she was ready to go. She lived a full and happy life, and she lived beyond what was expected. I am grateful to have known her and lost her than to never have known her at all. Peppy, this is to you my love. I will forever hold you dearly to my heart and I thank you for adding spunk to my life.  I cherished your friendship and your loyalty. I love you, little pepster of mine. 

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asphotopeppy2

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I recently experienced a death in the family. However, the funeral is taking place in New York and I’m in Texas. 8 months pregnant. I had time to figure out if I’d even be able to go, or if I should given the circumstances. Ultimately I decided it would be unsafe to deal with the airport and flying and missing appointments and what not. But the question came to my mind, how do I get closure? I felt strange deciding not to go, especially since a big part of grieving happens around the rest of the family and seeing the body and saying goodbye as your loved one is buried. So I came up with the idea to hold my own memorial service. I’m going to write down everything I remember about my grandma, find all the pictures I have of her, light a candle, read a bible passage, and let myself feel everything. Take it all in. Feel emotion instead of feeling so distant.

Isn’t it funny that it isn’t until death that we remember life? Life seems to just fly past us until by God’s hand it stops. Little things take over us and we get distracted by the menial. Well, It’s the new year now and I am going to take on the challenge to appreciate life instead of ignoring it. I think I am going to find a way to remember everyone special to me now while I have them and then let them know how much they mean to me. If there is any bitterness in my heart towards someone I’m going to deal with it. I don’t know that I would call it a resolution, but it’s definitely the kind of life I want to start living.

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Sometimes, I picture my life with the same impending doom as “lemony snickets: the series of unfortunate events”. Sometimes I act like this is also the title of my life, “Ashley’s: the series of unfortunate events (to come)…”. Not that I would call myself pessimistic, necessarily, but when it comes to good things happening to me I always imagine something going terribly wrong soon after. I can not exactly pin point when this started or why, though I have ideas. But I know this is definitely a way for the enemy to grab hold of me and bring me down. My thoughts can get pretty morbid sometimes, whether it affects my body or someone I hold dearly to my heart. This is why I am thankful to be able to say that I have faith in a God who is strong and mighty and who is faithful. I am thankful that I can say “My hope is in the Lord, for He is able.” I don’t know what I would do without hope.

God is holy. He is sovereign. My minuscule fears and problems dont even measure up to His steadfast grace. No matter what happens I trust him. This comes to me after a difficult few weeks, a few weeks filled with deep sadness, intense anger, a lot of stress, and worry. I’m hardly going through very terrible circumstances, and I am reminded of this when I hear stories of loved ones going through real battles struggling with disease, heartache, and death. Yet I hold on to my faith. I hold on to the hand of my heavenly father, whose unconditional love I have yet to fully comprehend. I release any control I thought I had or want to have, and I release my desire to understand.

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