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Posts Tagged ‘community’

I’m in a place right now that is filled with anger, doubt, and sadness. If I am being really honest then I would say most of these negative feelings are directed towards the people who are (or rather aren’t) in my life. I feel let down. I feel lonely. My thoughts keep shifting towards moving back home, even though I didn’t think I would ever feel that way again. This season always brings a little bit of nostalgia with it. Most of the people I have met here have revealed that our relationship isn’t more than just a fling, and I yearn for a place where I can have an authentic community. If I can’t have an authentic community then I should be around family, at least. Where I am now feels void.  I love the time of life we are in, but not the place. I am desperate for connection, for meaning, for relationships that don’t start with “Sorry, I’ve been really busy”.

For some reason this song stand out to me:

Shifting Sand
by Caedmon’s Call

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I’d be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

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I seem to be caught in this web of thought that everyone around me is constantly thinking about my age. This is probably because it seems that everyone IS always thinking about age, especially age differences. Too often I hear the statements, “You are only <insert age here>!?” , “Wow, you are so young”, “I remember way back when I was that age”. And after any of those statements, you can go ahead and add something like “I cant believe you are already married” or “don’t worry about not having kids yet, you have time“.  This happens even when someone is only a few years older than myself. Age thought like this has always driven me nuts.

There seems to be this train of thought that everyone seems to jump on that, “Seventeen year olds are like this, and you should wait to get married until you are this old, you shouldn’t have kids until you’ve been married for 6 years and you are this old, you should go to college right out of high school, you should be a homeowner by the time you are this age, you should have a career by the time you are this age, you should retire from that career at this age, you should be a grandparent by the time you are this old, and then you will typically die at this age.”

Honestly, this feels like a LOT of pressure.

Look, we all get it. You feel old, like life is just passing you by and you have so much wisdom to bestow upon the world and if only you knew then what you know now and you can just look back at who you used to be and see how immature you were and you have gone through so much in life to get you to where you are now and blah blah blah.

Since I can remember I have had this sense of disgust when someone called me young or stuck that “stereotype stamp” on me.

But yesterday during my pastor, Jared’s message something in me changed about this. To be “young” is to be like a child complete with humility, innocence, trust, wonder, and faith. So how is that bad? Maybe instead of cringing at a statement of my youth I should respond with a “thank you”. To be like a child is how God wants us to be. I have it backwards in thinking you spend your whole life trying to grow up. Really, we should be spending our lives fighting against it. It is in being “grown up” that we become bitter and harsh and distrusting.

Next time someone calls me “young” I will look past my belief in what they really mean by it and I will take it as a compliment.

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I’m happy to have the opportunity to see how far I’ve come as a person. Whats bothered me in the past doesn’t bother me nearly as much now. To have the chance to not let someone or something ruin my day is always a challenge for me. Today I can say I’m proud of myself. I know who I am and I know the parts I am ok with and the parts I’m not. If Someone is giving me an unwarranted opinion of who they think I am, that is when the feathers appear and their words roll down my back as if they were water on a duck. They say that true “revenge” is to simply live well. And oh, how true that is. I will continue to live well as best I can. I can not say I always have known how to do this. It has taken my entire life and a countless amount of opposition to understand that the best I can do in life is let my savior mold me. To understand that it only matters what He thinks. To truly understand that I will have people out there who cant stand me and don’t understand me and who, for no reason at all, just don’t like me. It’s ok. I will continue to be honest and genuine and patient and understanding to the best of my ability and when I don’t have any left then I will ask for more. You can take it or leave it.


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