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Posts Tagged ‘change’

Lately I  have been thinking about what it means to be genuine. I have always considered myself a genuine person. I am vulnerable with my struggles and try to always give an honest answer. The difficult part of being genuine is that even when you are true to yourself in that moment, it is possible for that part of you to change.

Many times when a conflict happens or something that is shocking, it takes me at least a few days to process it. I have spent months processing something before. I also have a really difficult time saying what I am thinking or feeling. Many times I have walked away from a conversation feeling like I mis-represented myself in trying to explain myself.  And sometimes it simply isn’t appropriate to announce your emotions right there in the moment, because emotions can be rash and unpredictable. For these reasons I have been called things like “two-faced”, and that’s OK because I understand it seems that way. And even though I am in my late twenties, I still sometimes struggle to get over the “teenage angst” of being misunderstood.

I try my best to be genuine and surround myself around others who are genuine. The truth is that “being genuine” is only as good as the moment. When we are true to ourselves we will be true to others and although the truth may change as the day turns into night, the intent behind it does not.  As true as I can be to myself is as true as I will be to you.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”         

William Shakespeare  

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They say having a baby changes your life. Oh really? passing an entire human being through my body that is 100% dependent on me for food, shelter and love will change my life? Nooooo. Tell me more, Mr. Science. Although I have to admit that there are some things I truly didn’t expect. I always thought that the way my relationships changed after baby  was solely up to me.

For one, my husband and I lead a seemingly boring life anyway. We don’t party (we can’t even be around more than 8 people at a time without being overwhelmed), we go to bed at 9, our idea of having fun is staying home watching a movie, and when we have company over we like to just sit around doing nothing but talking for 4 hours. Yeah, you don’t want to be our friends if that isn’t your thing. Most people want to wait to have kids until they are done partying and are absolutely positive they can survive without going to a movie theater, So of course we thought “we got this”.
For two, I thought that if I was aware of myself as a new mom then my friendships didn’t have to change. I have been around mothers who talk about “joining the mommy club” like they’ve just been given the gold medal, mother’s who don’t know how to have a conversation that doesn’t involve their baby somehow, and mother’s who only want to surround themselves around other mothers. To them I say, “get over yourself”. So of course I was determined to be that cool new mother who didn’t act any differently around her non-parent friends. But nobody ever told me that it would take me 5 months to feel like a normal human again (I need to eat, sleep and poop too?), that it would take 5 months for me to feel like my baby wouldn’t burn to death if he was in the sun for 10 seconds, or that driving in a car could possibly be the most stressful time of my life.

I get it. You don’t have a baby or you haven’t had a baby in your life for 20 years. You, my friend, are a well-adjusted individual. Good for you.
Here’s where relationships start changing:
-You need me to leave my baby (who is solely dependent on me for food) on a one day’s notice. Did I mention my baby needs to eat every two hours? Not happening.
-You really really want my baby to meet your friend who happens to lives “just right outside the city”. With traffic, driving time alone could be an hour. Have YOU ever been in a car where your child has to be fastened in so tightly he can’t move, the air doesn’t reach the back seat, and oh have I mentioned he has to eat every two hours? Cue meltdown so bad he can’t breathe because he is crying too hard. Not happening.
-You want to go out to eat with us and have been dying to try that new sit down restaurant down the street. Baby doesn’t fit in the highchair and just try putting that car seat or stroller next to the table. Then keep him strapped in, bored out of his mind, while the big people sit around moving their hands to their mouth every few seconds (for what seems like forever).  And then try to get that busy server’s attention for the check so you can go. Meanwhile baby is in a phase where he likes to scream just to see how you react and oh, he just pooped all over himself.  And did I mention baby has to eat every two hours? Not happening.
-You want me to hang around “just a while longer” because “so and so” is almost here, or dinner is almost ready (though you’ve said that for an hour now), or because it’s just too early to leave to be socially acceptable. Have you ever tried leaving past sun down after keeping baby out all day? And then strapped him in a car seat when bedtime is just around the corner (for both of you because God knows YOU don’t sleep) oh and did I mention baby has to eat every two hours? Not happening.
So yeah, I don’t go anywhere without my baby without 3 days notice, or drive more than 30 minutes away, or go to sit down restaurants, or stay out past 7:30.
Are my husband and I happy? More than we have been in our entire lives. They don’t call them “bundles of joy” for nothing.
So if you find yourself in a situation where your really good friend is having a baby, be gracious. Expect some things to change. And if you truly are a good friend it won’t matter to either of you if one of you is in school, has a boyfriend, and lives with your parents while the other one is married, has kids, a house, and full-time job.

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I was raised in a fairly conservative Christian home. My parents made sure we got a good Christian education and church experience. Even though both institutions were unhealthy, they still laid a solid foundation of faith. Over the years, though, I’ve gradually moved more and more left. This doesn’t mean i’m not a Christian, it just means I’ve started thinking on my own and have determined that the majority of Christians use The Bible to fulfill their own agenda. They use verses to back up what they say The Bible says is true. I can’t see though how the Jesus I’ve gotten to know would act the way these Christians act or think the way they think. The last few months I have been church-less. This isn’t of my own doing, back in December I wrote a post about how I was losing my church. Since then I haven’t been able to find the kind of church I would like to see my family and I attending. Am I floating on clouds to believe there is a church out there who teaches the combination of everything I believe is true? Am I being unreasonable to think that I don’t want to attend a church who teaches some of these values that I have been raised with my entire life? This isn’t political, I’m not looking for a democratic church (I still do not consider myself either Republican or Democrat), just something a little less than traditional. I want my son to be in a church environment. I want him to learn about Jesus and be surrounded by other kids, I want him to go to Sunday School. I’m confident that with our direction as his parents we can talk through all that junk that the church teaches and help him figure it out for himself. I hesitate because I have learned through my most recent church that church is about community. I have issues with being in a relatively big church because I have a difficult time connecting with others and once I do connect with them I fear they will boldly speak so ignorantly and stubbornly as most Christians I know. That is a problem for me because if I don’t keep my mouth shut then I know something terrible is bound to happen, but I want them to get to know me for me. This is possibly more fearful than I should be and I am possibly caring a little too much of what my maybe future community will think of me, I don’t know. What I do know is that I can not let myself go to another church where I keep my head down until I find my usual seat then leave just early enough to miss the crowd being excused for the day. I miss going to church. I miss the people that I have grown to love and I fear I will never find a church that I love or agree with more than my last one. I’m not trying to come off as whiny, I am just still dealing with this loss and every new loss I have just reminds me of this one. I have no answer, yet. I will keep seeking and praying until my heart finds its home.

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SO, I found this list I made in 2009. Its a whole bunch of random stuff about me. As I was reading through it though, I noticed that some of this stuff just wasn’t true anymore. I thought this was a really cool tangible way to see how much I have changed in the last three years.

  1. I am not funny, so don’t expect this to be.

this isnt true. I am actually really funny.

2. I am really glad there were directions on how to make a note, because I didn’t know how.

I don’t know what this means

3.I am 5% my own person. 95% my mother, father, and sisters.

This number has changed to 80% my own person


4. I do not believe there is anything such as a “hard life” every one has their struggles and pain and it is just as hard as anyone else’s.

5. I dis-like 85% of the people I know. The people I do like I would do anything for. If you are reading this you are most likely the %15

I probably dont know you.

6. I met my husband in 7th grade and I knew he was my husband in 10th grade.

7. I do not understand sarcasm. I try but I fail.

If you read number one, you would know I am funny. My humor now has sarcasm in it. yay!

8. I can and will defend any one else but myself. Thankful to be crossing this off the list, I am now gaining the ability to defend myself with a nice healthy balance of calm and angry.

9. I love to analyze.

Eh.

10. I am extremely introverted. Being around people exhausts me and irritates me. Yes, I am still introverted but there is an extrovertedness that has come out in me and there are time people energize me. WHAT? I know, I never thought I’d say that.

11. When I journal I am the best person I can be. Well thats just sad, I am the best person I can be a lot of times.

12. I have hobby A.D.D. still true.

13. I was always sheltered. When I was in elementary my school sheltered me from the real world. When I was in high school my sisters sheltered me from pain. Now I know that those 2 things are the same thing.I was also sheltered from happiness, which is also a part of the real world!

14. When I talk about my sisters I just about cry because I love them so much.

15. I am and want to continue to be Kate Gosselin.

EW! who WAS I!?

16. I have a very addictive personality. I do not smoke or drink much because I know I will become an alcoholic smoker if I do.

17. By the way, I hate smoke. I get vicious when I smell it.

I have now learned i have sensory defensiveness and I have tools to manage this. though I still think its rude.

18. I never moved until I was 16 and since then I have moved almost 5 times.

Eight times.

19. I loved college because I loved learning. Consequentially, I have saved every single text book and plan on reading them again.

correction: plan on googling.

20. If you call me crazy I will hate you.

I will laugh at you.

21. If it is not sunny outside I will be crabby. If it is sunny outside I am giddy.Because of my love for the sun, my husband calls me a plant.

I must have had a serious case of SAD. Now that I live in a sunnier climate Im just hot.

22. I can count my close friends on one hand. And I like it that way.

23. All I ever think about is having kids.

24. The people that know me will either love me or hate me. And I know when they hate me. I have more enemies than I can count.

I can pretty much count them now.

25. I am, at the same time, a clean freak and a very messy person.Those who know me best know this, and they know I will be extremely offended if someone calls me messy.

I like to clean, I dont always do it.

26. I HATE napsand smoke.

*sigh* naps are an essential part of my life now.

27. I love to eat. And I’m always hungry.

28. When I see horses fall down, I get sad.

29. The only animals I will never eat are dolphins, horses, and dogs.

30. I must always always always be wearing fresh, brand new socks.

31. If I feel like I need to put lotion on (which happens 1000 times a day) I will clench my fists and not touch anything until I do.

sensory defensiveness explains this.

32. I am a rebel. And not the kind that society labels teenagers and motorcyclists. I will do as much as I possibly can to not do something someone expects of me or to do something someone doesn’t expect of me. When I was in 2nd grade I purposefully got detention because my teacher told me I would get detention if I didn’t read the assignment. So I read it but didn’t get it signed on purpose. I am like that to this day.

33. I have always and probably always will get bloody noses. The kind that pour for hours and hours. When I was little I just waited for it to stop. But now, thanks to my husband who suffers the same ailment, I pull the vein out and it only lasts for 20 minutes.

34. Still, I am deathly afraid of bloody noses and I will alter my life trying not to get them.

35. Speaking of fears, I have a fear of water. Not like showering or washing my hands, but when I am in a pool or standing near the ocean I am absolutely terrified.

I am working on this. and the ocean is beautiful and only terrifies me if im in too deep. actually, I really DO love water. I mostly have a strong fear when i am in deep water above my chest and there are other people around.

36. I love stuff like this because I like to write down who I am.Even if no one reads it.

I dont need to write it down anymore.

37. I still consider my first friend ever a friend. (hi alli) even though we never talk and are completely opposite.

38. Some of my favorite memories growing up include my dad. And even though he might not have thought this, I always considered myself a daddy’s girl.

39. My strongest love language is quality time.

its a cocktail mixed with quality time and verbal affirmation.

40. I haven’t thrown up since I was like 8. and for some reason now, I am afraid to do it. One day, maybe…

YES!! I’VE DONE THIS!! April 8, 2012.

41. I used to laugh a lot. Then one day I stopped. I still laugh, especially near my husband because he is the funniest person in the world, but still not like I used to.

was I just really sad in 2009 ? Oh I laugh. Oh HOW I laugh. My husband is still the funniest person in the world, though most of his jokes I say first….

42. Have I already mentioned that I feel haunted by my past?

another victory. I can now say I do not feel haunted by my past. as much.

43. I went 6 months without a tv and I loved it. Now I have 3 tvs, but they are mostly on when I clean and they are always on the same channel, TLC.

no cable. its netflix, i only have two tv’s, and i hate it when they are on. even when cleaning. pandora is the way to go! geesh, I was probably watching jon and kate plus 8. 

44. I really hate upsetting my husband. Probably because its really hard to do and I always know how to do it.

45. When I was little my parents and I had “cuddle time” before bed. One night my mother told me I was too big and too old and I refused to let that be so. Now its ok though because my husband loves to cuddle.

46. I LOVE my new last name.

47. I hate it when people that are English speaking speak in different languages to me. Don’t say “por que” or “ci” or whatever because I don’t understand.on the other hand, I have really enjoyed hearing my multilingual friends speak different languages. its those half-assed english mixes that annoy me. “i want agua”

48. I love to organize and I feel that I don’t have enough of it ever, and I am always throwing away garbage bags full of my stuff and I never seem to make a dent.sadly, still true.

49. I have too much stuff. I fully believe “nothing in excess”

ive gotta get on reading “7”

50. If I’m not 30 minutes early I’m late.

same goes with you, mister!

51. I am always cold.Consequentially I own 1 million sweaters and blankets.

im hot a LOT

52. When I get a bill in the mail I pay it that day.

53. It really bothers me if this list isn’t going to be an even number.

right now i have only one tail light working….the HORROR

54. I owe a lot to my dad. I don’t think he knows I feel this way, but he has really done a lot for me.so has my mom. Every time I talk with them they share so much wisdom.

55. I hate having mentors. I had two in high school that I cant help but love when I look back at them, but otherwise I hate having mentors.

So i was sad AND prideful. mentor away!

56. Before 10am I’ve gone to the bathroom at least 10 times.

not a problem any more since ive stopped eating dairy…..

57. My initials used to be “ark” and I loved it. Now its “ars” and I love it even more.

58. I hate it when people try to analyze me or tell me how I’m feeling. 99%of the time they are wrong.

62.3%

59. I’m extremely nostalgic.

60. Normally when I get the hiccups, they dont go away for at least a day.

61. I am obsessed with anything birds, owls, or trees.

AND to add to the list…..

62. My husband and I are almost 100% debt free, which feels really good and we are committed to never having debt again. Yes, this means no credit cards and no loans/financing.

63. When I made this list three years ago I could have said I have never moved out of the state, now I have lived in 3 states.

64. I love having animals in the house. When I say animalS I really do mean a LOT. I have owned snakes, lizards, birds, frogs, fish, and dogs and one day I aspire to own a really big white rabbit.

65. I love the number 3.

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Today is the last day my sister will be employed with Starbucks. She just celebrated her eight year anniversary yesterday with the company. Many special memories arise within when I think of Katie and Starbucks together. My first job was just two stores down from her store back in 2004. I remember hearing her talk all about the flavors of coffee and how Starbucks supports coffee farmers. She is the one who introduced me to my first Starbucks drink, and it is because of her I am with the company in the first place. Her store manger and district manager were relentless in recruiting me and I never heard the end of it from her either.

Having her right next to me was comforting. I would walk over to her store after closing at my job and watch her close down for the night. After I moved over to Starbucks she was the first person I would go to when I needed something. Everybody I knew also knew that my sister was a manger of Starbucks. When I worked in the same town as she, customers would even call me by her name by mistake. When I had a question about the order, a change in policy, an ethical dilemma, or a problem with a coworker, she would be the first person there to support me and help me through it. She inspired me to be good at what I do. Her zest for doing her best at work carried into the way I lived out my life. After I moved 1200 miles away I still felt close to her because I knew when I would wake up at 4am she would also be awake and we would both be making coffee and serving people. It was comforting to me to know that we were doing the same thing, as if we were gazing into the same stars miles and miles away from each other.

This is a new and thrilling step for her to take. She is transitioning to a life that is a little out of her comfort zone but much closer to following her dreams. And even though she might feel a little overwhelmed right now as she is consumed by thoughts of the friendships, relationships, and environment she has built around her, I know one day she will be able to look back on her time at Starbucks with pride. She will look back at the lives she changed because of her integrity and passion. She will be proud of herself.

Right now she is probably saying her goodbyes to the customers who have known her for the entire eight years she’s been with Starbucks, to her partners who have flourished under her management, and to the store she has managed for so long that she was able to see it while the dust was still blowing and the construction was still underway. She is probably shedding a lot of tears, some out of joy and some out of sorrow. For with change always comes an array of emotions.

I want her to know that my thoughts are with her today, but even more so that I believe in her. I can not wait to hear about her stories from her new job and the new relationships she will be making. I can not wait to see the look in her eyes when she feels like the tough decision she had to make was worth it and when she can see the reward of taking that giant leap of faith.

Katie, you are my hero.

Katie, at her first Starbucks store in 2005.

After I got engaged we drove straight to Katie’s store to show her the ring

Katie in 2008 hosting knitting Mondays at her store.

Aunt Mar visiting Katie at her store, all the way from NY

A good friend of Katie’s from Michigan, visiting her at her store this year

Katie’s pride and joy 🙂

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The scary parts of life: dealing with change, getting over fear, grieving for someone/something lost, not knowing the future and if it really will “be ok”

But we all go through the scary parts of life, we have to. Life is what it is. We all deal with them in different ways. Some of us embrace them, some of us get angry, some of us lean on the loved ones around us, some of us ignore them, we all get through it. Eventually. Time doesn’t stop, we never get a break from the forward motion of life. Don’t ignore the beautiful parts of life though: growing, learning, realizing, believing, hoping, loving, making mistakes, getting messy, laughing at ourselves. Cheesy but true.  It is OK to feel, to ask questions, to be confused.
Don’t underestimate who your loving Savior is. Whether you know Him personally or not He is there capable of handling your doubt, grief, questions, and feelings.

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