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Archive for June, 2013

I was raised in a fairly conservative Christian home. My parents made sure we got a good Christian education and church experience. Even though both institutions were unhealthy, they still laid a solid foundation of faith. Over the years, though, I’ve gradually moved more and more left. This doesn’t mean i’m not a Christian, it just means I’ve started thinking on my own and have determined that the majority of Christians use The Bible to fulfill their own agenda. They use verses to back up what they say The Bible says is true. I can’t see though how the Jesus I’ve gotten to know would act the way these Christians act or think the way they think. The last few months I have been church-less. This isn’t of my own doing, back in December I wrote a post about how I was losing my church. Since then I haven’t been able to find the kind of church I would like to see my family and I attending. Am I floating on clouds to believe there is a church out there who teaches the combination of everything I believe is true? Am I being unreasonable to think that I don’t want to attend a church who teaches some of these values that I have been raised with my entire life? This isn’t political, I’m not looking for a democratic church (I still do not consider myself either Republican or Democrat), just something a little less than traditional. I want my son to be in a church environment. I want him to learn about Jesus and be surrounded by other kids, I want him to go to Sunday School. I’m confident that with our direction as his parents we can talk through all that junk that the church teaches and help him figure it out for himself. I hesitate because I have learned through my most recent church that church is about community. I have issues with being in a relatively big church because I have a difficult time connecting with others and once I do connect with them I fear they will boldly speak so ignorantly and stubbornly as most Christians I know. That is a problem for me because if I don’t keep my mouth shut then I know something terrible is bound to happen, but I want them to get to know me for me. This is possibly more fearful than I should be and I am possibly caring a little too much of what my maybe future community will think of me, I don’t know. What I do know is that I can not let myself go to another church where I keep my head down until I find my usual seat then leave just early enough to miss the crowd being excused for the day. I miss going to church. I miss the people that I have grown to love and I fear I will never find a church that I love or agree with more than my last one. I’m not trying to come off as whiny, I am just still dealing with this loss and every new loss I have just reminds me of this one. I have no answer, yet. I will keep seeking and praying until my heart finds its home.

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