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Archive for January, 2013

For seven years I have been limited to wearing black shoes, black pants, black polo, black sweatshirt, black undershirt, and the list goes on. For seven years Starbucks has been my life, essentially. It’s allowed me to pay my bills, eat, save, and it sustained me and my husband for the almost two years he was out of a job. Starbucks has simultaneously become my constant and the bane of my existence. I couldn’t wait to get out yet I relished in the comfort of the familiar, of something I’m good at (yes it’s possible to be bad at your job at Starbucks). The last eight months however, have brought me to a new place in life. For the last eight months I have been preparing to welcome a “little” into the world, A brand new “little” that we could call our very own. I knew the day would come when I had to decide “would I go back”. For a while I thought I would (I mean, what else am I good at!) and then for a while I thought I wouldn’t (get me out of here now!), and then we started the process of buying a house an hour away. Of course there are Starbucks stores everywhere, but I know I’m done transferring. So there it is, I’m just done. My plan was to wait until sometime late February, that would give me time to unpack everything in the new house “just in time” for baby.

Yesterday turned all my plans around.

I went in for a seemingly regular appointment and I walked out with an order for bed rest. We discovered the baby had already started entering the birth canal, I was having what I thought was Braxton hicks contractions for a few days but it turns out it was the little guy trying to enter the world. So today ended up being my last day at work and I’m officially ordered to rest for (well lets be honest) I have no idea how long.

So here I am trying to figure out what this new life is going to look like. I’m excited and I’m anxious and I’m a little bit disillusioned. Whatever it is that happens and however the timing works out, I’m excited to get rid of all my nasty black  Starbucks clothes and try something else on for a while.

starbucks uniform

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I’m gonna be honest, today I’m stressing. For the most part I like to live with the idea that I’m great at managing stress and dealing with worry….I like to think so at least. But today I can’t pretend that I’m not bothered by some circumstances surrounding us. I keep reminding myself that we’ve been through worse. I keep reminding myself how grateful I am that we got our act together in the beginning of last year and paid of all our debt and saved a crap ton of money. I keep reminding myself of how God has always always provided for us and how we have experienced what I can only describe as miracles. Yet here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night thinking about all the “what-ifs”. We are about to go down to one income and the only other time we’ve done that before is when we were in our lowest, darkest place of life. We’ve planned and prepared for it this time, but what about the “what-ifs”…
I’m excited for all these changes about to take place: the baby, the house, the job…
I’m thinking we should have saved more the last few months instead of buying some things and taking some trips. I’m thinking I wish we had known that the lease we signed was unbreakable. I’m thinking I’m ready to crawl into a hole and hide there for a while…

I am just having a moment of worry, I know it won’t last long and that it is unnecessary, but we live life in moments and this just happens to be a tough one. I am responding to this moment with a lot of prayer, which happens to look a lot like pleading really. I am responding with complete honesty to myself and others, and I am responding by choosing to trust in this God who is all-knowing and all-powerful. There is only so much I can control anyway and let’s be honest, there is only so much I should  be in control of.

read more Budget Worthy episodes here:

Budget Worthy: Episode 8

Budget Worthy: Episode 7

Budget Worthy: Episode 6

Budget Worthy: Episode 5

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I remember visiting your house in the summer. I would collect the frogs that were all around your porch, I don’t think you liked that. I would walk in your garden that you were so proud of and look at all you were growing. We would sit outside on the back porch and look out into the open space. You would serve us coconut cake and make us the best grilled cheese. You had a room full of toys just for us. Your dresser had a picture of you when you were younger, I remember telling you that you were beautiful. (But you hated getting your picture taken). We would walk down to the basement so I could help you with the laundry and your knees always hurt on the way down. You had the biggest collection of Disney movies that my little eyes ever saw. You had the cutest laugh and the cutest sense of humor. You had a lot of magnets on your fridge and some held pictures of us. I only got to see you once a year, and even less as I got older. When we talked on the phone it would always be about the weather. I used to write you all the time and I knew I could count on a card for my birthday or Christmas. I know you loved us but had a hard time showing it. I wish I knew then what I know now and I would have been different. But life isn’t about wishing for what didn’t exist, it’s about the journey. It’s about growing and changing and discovering. And what I have discovered is that in your own way you loved us, though you may not have shown us in our own language. I love you, I will miss you, and I hope to see you again one day.

Grandma1

grandmagrandpa

grandmagrandpa2

grandma4

grandmapapa

grandmagrandpapapa

Psalm 23:2-6 NASB

“The Lord is my shepherd,  I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

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I recently experienced a death in the family. However, the funeral is taking place in New York and I’m in Texas. 8 months pregnant. I had time to figure out if I’d even be able to go, or if I should given the circumstances. Ultimately I decided it would be unsafe to deal with the airport and flying and missing appointments and what not. But the question came to my mind, how do I get closure? I felt strange deciding not to go, especially since a big part of grieving happens around the rest of the family and seeing the body and saying goodbye as your loved one is buried. So I came up with the idea to hold my own memorial service. I’m going to write down everything I remember about my grandma, find all the pictures I have of her, light a candle, read a bible passage, and let myself feel everything. Take it all in. Feel emotion instead of feeling so distant.

Isn’t it funny that it isn’t until death that we remember life? Life seems to just fly past us until by God’s hand it stops. Little things take over us and we get distracted by the menial. Well, It’s the new year now and I am going to take on the challenge to appreciate life instead of ignoring it. I think I am going to find a way to remember everyone special to me now while I have them and then let them know how much they mean to me. If there is any bitterness in my heart towards someone I’m going to deal with it. I don’t know that I would call it a resolution, but it’s definitely the kind of life I want to start living.

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